Dating Chronicles: Back on the Market

Disclaimer: I’m in my 20s, which means I make bad decisions. Sometimes, I do it knowingly. Get over it.

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I’ve been single for over a year now, and savoring each moment. Happiness is getting into the middle of the bed at night, rubbing your hairy legs and crusty feet against the sheets, and not giving a single fuck. The only thing that I honestly miss about being in a relationship is having someone to take out the trash and unload groceries. Those cases of water are heavy as hell. Other than that – nope. You can keep the compromise and the communication. I’ll just be here sleeping in the middle of this comfortable bed.

Despite the fact that my underwear hasn’t matched for a year, I’m finally ready to step back into the dating world after crying my tears and giving three good years to *the Jamaican.* The only problem with that is it’s difficult to meet men in my city. I’m not a clubgoer, so I can’t randomly socialize with a guy amongst blazing music and liquor, and I don’t have strong friendships here where I could be introduced to a friend of a friend. It pretty much would have to happen when I least expected it – like while I’m trying to find the latest Walter Mosley novel in the library or standing in line at my local coffee shop.

At this point in life, I’m not looking to be tied down to a man for another 3 years to a lifetime. I’m just getting my feet wet, and seeing what type of men the world has to offer. I know I’m rusty as ever, and I don’t even think I know how to flirt anymore. I’m definitely not taking it too seriously.

Rewind to a while back when I was planning a visit to D.C. for a weekend. I had family there who would be working, and I was going to be left to myself during the day. When I mentioned it, a friend recommended a few apps that I could use to find a brunch partner or personal tour guide so that I could see all of the D.C marvels. Well, that recommendation didn’t really work in my favor, but what did happen were several inquiries from people in my city. Now, I’ve never online dated in life – not even in the Myspace days when dudes would slide in my messages. This entire thing was new to me, and I’m slightly ashamed to admit that it was intriguing to me as a novice.

The experience has been quite amusing and filled with teachable moments. I have learned that a lot of grown men really don’t know how to speak to a woman. It really isn’t that hard. All one has to do is engage in conversation and don’t be rapey, but that seems to be too much to ask for in some instances. I have also learned that the public school system has failed the American people. The Bush era’s “No Child Left Behind” was epically unsuccessful, and I thank God that I was able to slip through the cracks and receive a good education in the public school system due to the fact that I was in the gifted program. Receiving  messages that say “U is so beautiful” or “why is you single?” is just heartbreaking. Let me tell you what is attractive to me – subject-verb agreement.​What else have I learned? It’s always the dude with the crooked teeth that have grills. Grills aren’t even nice on regular people, so it certainly isn’t nice on jacked up teeth.

Let’s discuss some of the funnier dating mishaps that have occurred thus far.

Brad*

Brad talked WAY. TOO. MUCH. We exchanged numbers, and he called me right away. He talked my ear off for hours about absolutely nothing, and the only thing I could really say is ‘uh huh.” I threw it to him being kind of excited, so I gave him another shot. By the next day, he somehow had it in his mind that I was the one for him. He hit me with the “I really want to be with you.” I was so confused. He didn’t even know me. So at some point when he allowed me to get a word in, I told him that I didn’t want to be in a relationship. Had he tried to get to know me during that four-hour tangent the day before, he would have known that.

Homie got so upset, called me selfish, and said I didn’t deserve him. Then he started talking about how he was planning for our future. Say what? When I tried to include myself in this dialogue and explain that there will be no future, he got stern-voiced and demanded that I didn’t interrupt him. If I genuinely thought he was a sane person, I would have went all the way off at that lack of respect.

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Because I was entertained at this point, I let him finish.
“I guess now I have to cut you loose,” he proceeded to say slowly as if the words were to painful to get out of his mouth.
I laughed. “How can I be cut loose when I was never tied down?” I was seriously confused, and started to wonder if he had some type of developmental disability because a normal-minded person wouldn’t be acting the way he was acting. He hung up and I blocked his number, happy to never have to hear from him again.
Months later we crossed each other’s paths again, and he acted as if nothing ever happened. I don’t forget, but obviously he did.
*George
I hadn’t known George for more than 24 hours before that self-destructed. It was a holiday, and he proceeded to let me – a complete stranger – know that he really wanted me in his life and he really want to be with me. Instead of being flattered, I was completely turned off because my perspective of him changed to someone highly insecure, and extremely attached. The flag could not be more red.
I left my phone in my old room, and helped my mom make the holiday dinner while he called and texted me multiple times. When I finally got back to my phone, a very lovely “Fuck you then bitch” was one of several angry text messages he sent to me. How did we even got to that point?
“Wait what? If I get busy with my own life and don’t respond to you at your convenience, I get called out my name?”
“I wasn’t sending that to you. My bad,” he said. I could not believe he insulted my intelligence. Was I really supposed to believe that?
“Nah, I’m good. Cooking with my family so I missed the call, but you disrespected me for no reason so there’s nothing to talk about.
“Fuck you then bitch,” he repeated.
I should have been petty, but Jesus saves. I should have insulted his hairline, waistline and intelligence, but Jesus took the wheel.
Needless to say, I have accepted that I will not find my next bae online. The dating pool for my area is basura, but it has not been all bad. Not everyone has been extremely insecure. I’ve met a few gentlmen who were respectful and sincere. We’ve hung out with no strings attached and it has gone well for both of us. Another guy was studying for the bar exam, and I became his accountability partner to ensure he studied regularly. Those have been the few exceptions.
Tune in next month as I address dating coworkers.
*Names changed for privacy.

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