Dating Chronicles: The Married Man

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Kevin* came out of nowhere while I was at a party with a friend. He approached me with a compliment on my smile, and introduced himself quite politely and professionally. Physically, he was not my type, but my type had done nothing for me lately. That was not to say that he was ugly; he was just… old-fashioned. His outfit made me think his mom bought and put it together for him. He didn’t have enough “sauce” when it came to his fashion, but he was charming with the conversation.

​We chatted and laughed throughout the evening, and my impression of him was good enough to exchange numbers before I left. We hugged and said our goodbyes, and I expected to never hear from him again since that was how things were going in my life at the time. Men would show a bit of interest, but never fully pursued when the ball was in their courts. I’m a firm believer in Demetria Lucas D’Oyley’s statement that interested men act interested.

By the time I got home, he had already texted me with a request for an official date. Woman’s intuition told me that something wasn’t right about him. He just had way too much charisma. I made an inquiry before I accepted his invitation for a date.

“Are you single?” I inquired.

He doesn’t answer the question, but instead asked me about the date again. By avoiding my question, I already had my answer. It wasn’t his mom that bought his outfit; it was his wife. How did I find myself in this situation?

After a moment of going back and forth about his relationship status, he revealed, “I believe in honesty, and I hope you don’t change your mind about me. I am married. Matter of fact, I’ve been married for ten years. But no drama and I hope my being straight up with you doesn’t steer you away because I could have lied, but that’s not me.”

Say what? What part of me looked like a willing participant in your philandering? No, sir. Not me. I was not about to be a co-conspirator to his shenanigans. I told him that while I respected his honesty, I didn’t get down like that. There were plenty of unmarried penises within a 10-mile radius that I could enjoy instead.”Don’t shut the married dick out! It will seem like I’m not married.” he responded.

How, Sway? At this point, I was highly entertained. I asked him to enlighten me on how married penis was better than single penis because I had to hear this scandalous explanation.

“I’ll treat you better, no complaints, listen when you have a problem, and most of all married dick knows how to treat a woman!”

Lies. The only thing a side chick would get out of that type of situation would be a stretched vagina, drama with his family, and a few material things. It my be a win-win for him, but the woman would lose by an enormous margin.

“You ain’t never met a married man like me. I told you, no drama. At least give me a chance. If you’re not satisfied, then okay.”

“Nah, I’m good,” I said.

“Are you sure?” he questioned in a pleading manner.

“Boy, bye.”

“Ok, I think you want to get to know me, but the damage has been done. I really wish I could see you again one day.”

“Sir, there is nothing that you can do for me.”

If I didn’t have any morals or standards 😇, a married man would have been the an excellent choice. No high-level commitment, no spending the night, no responsibility. He wouldn’t have time for me since he had an entire family. It’s lit. I really am the ideal person the job. Single, no kids, live alone, a realist, no drama, not looking for commitment or responsibilities. Just cut the check.

But the way these morals are set up… I declined this man’s advances. Additionally, Kevin could not afford to provide for a second partner. Well, not me. One cannot put a price tag on my morals. Oh, but he tried. Gifts, bill payments, trips, you name it. I further declined.

When you play with fire, you get burned.

I like to think that I am progressive with my thinking, and I believe that women are way more advanced in thought than men when it comes to relationships. Despite what society rules, monogamy is not for everyone. I think more people should explore polyamorous relationships. If a person can afford to provide for multiple partners financially, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually, I say go for it as long as everyone consents.

Polyamory is ideal for me currently, although I have not actually participated in such a relationship since I can’t even find one man who is worth the effort, let alone multiple men.. While I enjoy the company of a male partner, I also value time spent alone in my own thoughts. I get anxiety when I don’t get my regular alone time. And there are things that I flat out refuse to do for a grown man. Not even going to happen. If he wants to find that elsewhere, be my guest. We’re all grown.

In polyamory – well, in any relationship – there is knowledge and consent between all individuals involved. This was not the case, as Kevin wanted to deceive and lie to the woman to whom he had been married since they graduated high school. Rather than being transparent and having an open discussion with her about his desires for another woman, he wanted to sneak. Honesty, respect, and trust are the top three essentials in my relationships. If he felt comfortable in decieving the woman with whom he shared vows, I had no reason to expect any respect. Basically, Kevin wasn’t shit.

I wasn’t about to have someone’s wife knocking on my door with a gun, and slashing my new tires. Do you know how much four brand new tires cost?! Nope, I was fine with my clear conscience. I partially understood the uneasiness about having a real discussion with a spouse about desires for someone else. One’s entire life had been built upon monogamy, and now the idea of something other than this comes into place. There was a fear there of losing her and everything when he could just lie and have it all. That sounded like a personal problem. I haven’t made any monogamous commitments yet.

On my hierarchy of loyalty, black women are at the top. I’m wrong to assume that his wife is black, but I’m sticking with this assumption. I hope sis finds out and takes all of his pension. Or I hope she stays and makes him a better man. I just want what she wants, and I doubt she wants me out here in these streets with her husband. I don’t know her, and I wouldn’t contact her with receipts if I did because that is not my place to do so. But I’m praying for her health.

This was the first of many encounters I would have with married men, and it hurt to see men being scumbags. Then, they would be so sloppy and reckless about it. I wondered what type of women these men were married to because all of the women I knew would have assassinated them if they discovered that their husbands were cheating, but these men were acting as if they didn’t even care if they got caught. Furthermore, I was so surprised about how honest they would be about it, too. Many would put it out there in the first conversation as if it was nothing.

“I’m married with two kids and I work in finance…”

“Wait, back up a bit. You’re married?” They would just throw it out there as if they were saying blue was their favorite color. I was appalled, and threw up the deuces the moment I discovered their commitments to someone else. Again, what part of me looked like someone willing to participate in a married man’s philandering?

Although, I did nothing wrong, I was always embarrassed about the fact that I briefly entertained the idea of dating a man who I later discovered was married. When my friends started sharing the same stories about accidentally dating someone who was supposed to be in a monogamous relationship, I was floored. Call me naive, but I didn’t know that so many men were cheating to the point that my friends had multiple stories about them. How trifling.

I’ll see you all right here next month as I discuss dating someone with a small package.

* – Name changed for privacy

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