Dating Chronicles: Cancer

Troy* was a Virgo and overanalyzed everything. He was the type that would sit in bed at night and think of ways to seek revenge or manipulate a person while the potential victim was sleeping well without a second thought of him. At the time, he was my FWB, but I began to discern that he wanted more. I wasn’t interested in a relationship, and even if I was, he wouldn’t be the one. Besides consistent penis, Troy had nothing of value to offer. There was nothing that he could have done to make my life better, so there was no point in him taking up space in it as a boyfriend.

He suggested that we start dating, and I politely declined while wondering how I allowed him to think he had a chance. Now that his emotions were clearly involved, I decided to cut him off as an FWB. He came over for one final session. We were in bed afterwards, and I was waiting for him to leave. Instead, he got depressed.

“So this is it?” he asked lightly. I shook my head yes. After moments of silence and me wondering what time he was planning on leaving, he revealed, “I have something that I’ve been wanting to tell you.” His voice was cracking in the process of him saying it.

My mind immediately goes to STDs, but we’ve protected ourselves, so then I began to think he was full of shit and stalling the end of our FWB situation.

‘I have cancer,” he proclaimed. Continue reading

Dating Chronicles: Ghosting

img-6774Dating can take a toll.

I’m in my late 20s, and it seems like all of the good ones are already taken. All I am left with are bums with no ambition that live with their moms, have baby mama drama, are highly insecure, don’t have any stability, and don’t have any potential for being a quality man. Had I known that this would be the crop from which I would pick, I would have done a lot more “thot shit” in my college years.

The pickings were slim, and the crop was not even worth harvesting. It was draining to go through the motions of dating just for it to result in a waste of time and a wasted pump of NARS foundation. After the umpteenth failed date, it just all seemed to frustrating. My breaking point came in the form of Daniel*.

Daniel came out of nowhere. (Sidenote: I say this a lot about men, but it’s true. I don’t look for them, and they always see me first.) It was phantasmaghorical! He told me that he was gonna be my future bae when we had our first conversation, and I laughed at his attempt to run game. He said he was serious. I rolled my eyes at his attempt to spit game and kept it moving.

We had our first date. He was so dreamy, so handsome. so polite, so soft-spoken, such a gentleman, so swagged out, so intellectual, so mellow, such a man. I was giddy like a school girl, and couldn’t stop smiling and giggling after I got home. My cheeks were hurting from cheesing so hard.

Although I was excited about the possibilities, he scared the shit out of me.

Being vulnerable is a struggle for me. especially after wasting so much time on lames. I just didn’t know what he was doing here, how he got here, what his purpose was in my life, and how long he would be here. I was filled with so much nervous energy because of him. Everything about him was so genuine and kind and calm. I just kept thinking the worst. Something had to be wrong with him because he was too good to be true. Something bad must have been about to happen because everything was too perfect. I didn’t want to get my hopes up but I was willing to let my guard down a bit.

But things continued to go well. I was smitten by it all. Every inch of him. The way his hands touched and caressed me. The way his kiss was so passionate. The way he was so soft spoken about it all. The way he knew what he liked. He had me thinking about changing my player ways! I had three other dudes in my rotation. Seriously though, I didn’t know how he found me, but I was glad he did. I didn’t know where he came from, but I was glad he was there now. He was right on time and when I expected the least.

I have a lot of energy to put out into this world as triple fire sign (Aries sun, Sagittarius moon, Leo rising), but he gave me a bit more balance because he was mellow. He was so caring and so nurturing. He checked on me everyday when I travelled without him to Miami, and made me pray with him at the airport before I left. He was praying man! Maybe I got everything I asked for and needed in a caramel-colored package.

Fast forward a few months.

I was not ready. He set me up 😂. He came over one night with the romantic Spotify playlist, and was ready to eat the box and get cuffed. He asked to make it official. We discussed expectations in detail, and I told him I was scared. He said he understood. He explained that there would be some ups and downs, but questioned how we could appreciate the ups without the downs. I asked what he wanted and he said me. I told him I wanted respect and honesty. He said he already gives me that. True. #FutureBae turned into #PresentBae. Sealed with a kiss – on both sets of lips.

And two weeks later, I got ghosted.
Continue reading

Dating Chronicles: The Restraining Order Part II

Picture

Read Part I here.

I tried to fall asleep, but I kept replaying the events of that morning in my head over and over again. I cried quietly in my old bedroom, fell asleep briefly, woke up, replayed the events, and repeated until Monday morning when I drove to the Clerk of Court’s office to file a protective order. I had no reason to be ashamed, but it was embarassing to ask for directions to the right office for protective orders. It was embarassing to request the forms from the clerk, and sit in the open hallway as I completed several pages of information. The clerk and I went over the information on the forms, and she directed me to a judge to get my temporary restraining order approved.

I sat outside the courtroom on a hard bench in a long hallway, waiting for the judge to finish a trial so that I could get my TRO approved. The hallway was stuffy from having so many people inside, and not enough air vents blowing cool air. There was a man seated next to me who had so much nervous energy that he kept shaking his legs, causing the bench to vibrate. Another woman on the opposite side of me sat motionless with her head down. Suddenly the doors of the courtroom opened, and Charles’ niece (the daughter of Marcel, whose dick I had allegedly been scoping) and cousin exited. IS THIS REAL LIFE?! The niece smiled and asked if I was there for traffic court. I told her no and laughed nervously. They both smiled, accepted my answer, and went about their lives without further questioning my reasons for being there. Certainly, they were going to snitch.

Continue reading

Dating Chronicles: The Restraining Order Part 1

Picture

Charles* and I had been in month three of dating, and things were not going well. The guy had paranoia tendencies, and had accused me of communicating with other guys. I was not and there was nothing to indicate that I was. Furthermore, we were casually dating and not in a committed monogamous relationship, so he had no right to make accusations even if I was. This wasn’t going anywhere, and we both knew it. I was unwilling to defend myself against unnecessary accusations made by an insecure man, so I ended our dating relationship late Saturday night while he was at my apartment.

Maybe I should have done that over the phone instead. I really thought it would be as simple as me saying it’s over, him saying okay, him leaving my apartment, and is both proceeding to live our best lives separately. Charles became irate, began a lengthy monologue about how horrible of a person I was, called me everything but my God-given name, and further alleged that I had been lusting for his brothers-in law. The entire time I lay across my bed, waiting for him to finish saying what he had to say and leave. His outlandish statements were not factual, and I didn’t care to defend myself any longer.

“Yeah, I saw you looking at my brother-in-law!” he yelled passionately. “I saw you looking at Marcel’s* dick when we were at the waterpark! Then you tried to look at me to see if I was watching you, but I caught your ass!” As he spoke, he became even more irate, and motioned to hit me as I lay in bed, but stopped mid swing.

Continue reading

Dating Chronicles: The Set Up II

Picture

Keith*

Here’s the deal: I don’t like kids. I don’t want kids. I won’t have kids. The only time I like them is when they are nice, calm, quiet, and respectful. Since that happens rarely, I’d rather do without them in my life entirely. I have no doubts in my mind about this. I don’t despise them; I just would rather not be around them. Being around someone else’s kids is out of my comfort zone.

Keith had a daughter who was three years old that he never saw due to “baby mama drama.” There are two sides to every story, and I didn’t know the story of the mother.

Well, for some odd reason, Keith’s biggest fantasy was to spend time with his daughter and someone that he cared about (me at the time) altogether. But he was so afraid to bring his daughter around me because he knew how I felt about children. No sweat off my back. I was not interested in the proposition anyway. He was highly furious at the idea that I was not interested in spending time with him and his daughter.

He invited himself over to my apartment one evening. I say okay, thinking we were going to do grown up things. I got a knock on my door. I unlocked and opened the door without even looking through the peephole to see who was on the other side. I expected to see Keith’s sexy self grinning at me. And I did. Not only did I see Keith, standing in front of him was an adorable girl with long black pigtails and a smile inherited from her father.

Continue reading

Dating Chronicles: Jerk Off

I had been entertaining a male friend one evening, and he decided to spend the night. I despised overnight guests, and made it a rule to never allow men to spend the night. Things worked best that way because I always felt that spending the night left a door open to the possibilities of other things. Other things were not possible, and I didn’t want anyone to get an misunderstanding. Still, I made an exception for this guy. Actually, it was an unspoken decision between the both of us.

I don’t remember what we did that day, but it exhausted me. We both hopped into the bed at the end of the night. Sex was not involved, but we spooned for a while until I got hot and pushed him off me. This was the summertime and I wasn’t trying to break out into a sweat because of his body heat. We both fell asleep, me on my side with my back facing him. It was common for me to sleep so hard that a party could be happening around me and I wouldn’t know. When I was in Mexico City earlier this year, I slept with the window open while the neighbors across the street had a grand opening celebration of their bar for three days straight. The speakers were blaring with the sounds of music and laughter filled the air, but I still had a good night’s sleep. Similar to those nights in Mexico City, I was dead asleep this particular night.

I was awakened later in the night by movements in the bed. The movements had a pattern, and it took me a moment to realize it was coming from him. It felt like he may have been unconsciously and restlessly shaking his leg in his sleep. I didn’t even open my eyes, but I thought he was asleep. Since my back was facing him, I reached behind me and gently pushed him to get him to stop moving. I didn’t say a word, but he understood what that push meant. He stopped moving. Satisfied with the tranquility of the bed, I repositioned myself by turning around to face his direction and immediately fell back into a deep slumber.

Continue reading

Dating Chronicles: Stood Up and Flown Out

IMG_4906Daryl* was a new addition to my roster. He travelled year round for work, so it was difficult to see him. I had to get in where I fit in without much advance. He called me around 10:30 one night, but I didn’t answer because the introvert in me didn’t feel like talking. He called again on the next evening while I was getting ready to hang with friends, and I answered since I was in a better mood.

“I was in your city last night. I called you, but you didn’t answer,” he announced.

“Oh, yeah?” I responded. “I was already in bed when you called.” I really was in bed. I just hadn’t gone to sleep yet.

Now he was two hours away, but wanted to take me out to dinner. I told him about my previous plans for dinner with friends, but suggested we meet afterward. Honestly, I only offered because I thought he would decline the late night invitation, but he agreed. That was okay. I was ready for an adventurous night.

Dinner with friends went way longer than I expected, and I drank too much and was too tired to drive an hour to meet him halfway. so I called after midnight to cancel. I felt so bad about it because I’m a woman of my word. I had said I would be there and I knew he was looking forward to it., but there was no way I could make it. He sounded really disappointed when I cancelled, and even offered to come all the way to me. I declined because I had already washed my face and was in bed. I would have been deep asleep by the time he got to me. Maybe some other time.

The next morning, Daryl called to reschedule. Because I felt so guilty, I was going to drive almost two hours out of the way to meet him instead of meeting him halfway like the previous day’s plan. I normally would have never considered it because that’s a long drive just for a man, no matter how interested in him I may have been. Still, I told him I would make up for my no show, and I wanted to make it right.
Continue reading

Dating Chronicles: The Micropenis

Disclaimer: I’m in my 20s, which means I make bad decisions. Sometimes, I do it knowingly. Get over it.

Picture

Everett* volunteered to be my DOD** after we discussed our outlook on relationships and life, and I accepted his offer of a commitment free, no strings attached lifestyle. I liked the idea of calling someone at 1 am, telling him to come over, him saying okay, us doing grown and sexy things, and him leaving right afterward and locking the door behind him. Where do I sign up?!

Bruhhh, I should have known this would not work. I thought we both understood the rules, but I soon learned that he failed to understand what being a DOD entails. He came over to my place one night with his overnight bag. DODs did not spend the night, so I was confused.”Where are you going with your whore bag?” I asked as he walked inside my living room.

“You got a problem with it?” He responded while looking at me in bewilderment.

“I’m just asking.” I said as I shrugged.

​We did not spend much time conversing. Instead we directed our attention to the business of it all. Everett dropped his pants with confidence while I sat at the edge of the bed with my legs crossed and hands by my side. I didn’t look at first because I didn’t want to be rude. Lol, I don’t even know why that would be rude, but I was going to look when he didn’t see me looking. So I finally glanced.

I don’t know what my facial expression said, but I’m sure I gave off what I was thinking. Never in my life had I witnessed such a small nub. Call me an uneducated fool, but I did not know micropenises really existed. I tried to reason with myself. I had grabbed his crotch a long time ago to determine if he was working with something, and I was sure that I had felt more than what I was currently seeing. Perhaps now it was flaccid and it would grow exponentially as it got harder. So I gave it the stroke. My hand was too big to wrap around his package. I could have stroked that thing with my index finger and thumb. Actually, I did. It got harder, but not bigger. We had improved to the index finger, middle finger, and thumb. Maybe he wasn’t aroused by my stroke game. So I gave him head. Literally, my entire mouth could take that thing. As someone with gag reflexes, it gave me a glimmer of confidence. He became much harder, but still small. No length and no girth. To this day, I don’t know what I was feeling when I did that initial crotch check.

I had never been in this position before, and I didn’t know what to do. This was something that needed to communicated beforehand – not something to just suddenly spring on someone. I decided to look past it and treat it like any other penis for the night. Another woman would have laughed him out of the room after asking where the rest of it was. He was probably three inches at his most erect, and that was with me giving him some centimeters for extra credit.

There was no point in bringing it up because he had to know his penis was small. The harshest attack on a man was calling him out on his genital lack, and everything happened so quickly that I couldn’t think of a way to discuss it without sounding insulting. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I also didn’t want to go through with it because I didn’t think I would enjoy it. That was not a good position to be in. I felt like I had to consent to something I didn’t want, and I was upset by the fact that this information wasn’t released earlier. Who volunteers to be a DOD knowing they aren’t qualified for the job? There was a reason the acronym was DOD. WHERE IS THE DICK??? That was the basic requirement.

He performed decent oral stimulation before slipping on a condom and inserting. We tried a few different positions. Missionary with my feet basically touching my ears was the best option. All others were a bust. I couldn’t even keep his penis inside to ride, I felt nothing for doggy and missionary with my legs simply spread was also a failure. I was not looking at the time, but the nonstop stroking lasted for what felt like an hour. My legs were starting to cramp from being bent in the same position for so long, so I just laid there waiting for it to be over. I wanted to fake it so bad just to speed up things, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t going to stroke his ego by pretending.

He spent half of the time demanding that I “come on daddy’s dick,” but he wasn’t doing anything that would allow that to happen. (Note: There’s something to be said about men who want to be called daddy but don’t want to do daddy things, but that’s another topic for another day.) I really wanted to, but neither of us ever have an orgasm. I won’t even lie, there were two times that I felt that he might be able to take me to ecstasy, but he never figured it out. Once he accepted that this wasn’t going to work, he requested that I suck him off. I obliged because I was beyond ready for this night to end, and he yelled like a bitch and then exploded. In the most unbelievable act of selfishness, this fool immediately fell sleep. I got no reciprocity.

I know the fuck not.

Please believe me when I say I woke his ass up. He got up and began talking like we both just had the time of our lives.

“How many times did you come? I counted at least two! Just tell me.”

And then, “You got really wet when I started stroking to the left. Whoever you were with before just must have just gone to the right because the left is tight as fuck.”

Is this real life???

I got him to shut up. I was ready for him to leave because I was no longer aroused, but his ass was going to make me explode some type of way before he left. I didn’t care how. He went down to provide oral stimulation. Again, his tongue game was decent, but someone with a micropenis should have five-star skills to compensate for his lack of size. His cunnilingus should have made me scream at the top of my lungs.

Everett left satisfied and already planning on the next time. Little did he know, I had no intentions on seeing him behind closed doors again. His small package wasn’t even the main issue for that decision.

Sure, he didn’t qualify for being a DOD, but what was even more infuriating was the fact that he failed to meet my needs after I met his, lied by omission, and disrespected my bathroom. I went to the bathroom after he had gone, and there was urine EVERYWHERE but in the toilet. It was on the floor around the toilet, on my shower rug, and on my shower curtain. This dude couldn’t even aim that thing properly. I. Was. Pissed.​The lesson in all of this was to never agree to a DOD arrangement sight unseen.

Tune in next month as I discuss more dating chronicles.

*Names changed for privacy
**DOD = dick on demand.

 

Dating Chronicles: The Married Man

Picture

Kevin* came out of nowhere while I was at a party with a friend. He approached me with a compliment on my smile, and introduced himself quite politely and professionally. Physically, he was not my type, but my type had done nothing for me lately. That was not to say that he was ugly; he was just… old-fashioned. His outfit made me think his mom bought and put it together for him. He didn’t have enough “sauce” when it came to his fashion, but he was charming with the conversation.

​We chatted and laughed throughout the evening, and my impression of him was good enough to exchange numbers before I left. We hugged and said our goodbyes, and I expected to never hear from him again since that was how things were going in my life at the time. Men would show a bit of interest, but never fully pursued when the ball was in their courts. I’m a firm believer in Demetria Lucas D’Oyley’s statement that interested men act interested.

By the time I got home, he had already texted me with a request for an official date. Woman’s intuition told me that something wasn’t right about him. He just had way too much charisma. I made an inquiry before I accepted his invitation for a date.

“Are you single?” I inquired.

He doesn’t answer the question, but instead asked me about the date again. By avoiding my question, I already had my answer. It wasn’t his mom that bought his outfit; it was his wife. How did I find myself in this situation?

Continue reading

Dating Chronicles: The Set Up I

Picture

Marcus*

Marcus and I did not last very long. He wanted something serious, and I just wanted my freedom to do whatever whenever. We had some good times, though. I guess I’ll see him next lifetime.

One evening he drove to see me after visiting with his mom. He got to my apartment and we hopped in my car to go and buy a few groceries. I didn’t usually drive but he asked me to chauffeur him that day for no apparent reason. I agreed because I’m down with reciprocity. Especially since he was about to cook for me.

On the way to the grocery store, he realized he had his mom’s credit card and needed to bring it back to her. He turned to me from the passenger side and asked, “Do you mind driving to her house real quick?”

His mom lived in the hood. while I lived all the way on the other side of town. Of course I minded, but I agreed as I thought about that food he was going to prepare later. I drove to his mom’s home on the north side of the city, and I sat in the car with the doors locked while he walked inside to give his mom back her card. To occupy my time, I browsed social media. Next thing I knew, someone was tapping on my window.

Continue reading